How to deal with grief and anger with God? A personal experience

My Maternal Grandma was the best, well she’s still the best. The 6 years of my life I spent with her were so interesting, you’d wish you lived with us. When she died, I couldn’t deal with the grief and my anger with God, I was a mess. On some days, I wish I could have gotten a manual detailing how to deal with this situation but I didn’t. This is why I am putting my experience into words, words I can finally express to give you hope for the future.

It is my desire that this post encourages you to build relationships and cherish them while there is still time.

N.B : My Grandma is referred to as Grams in the remaining part of this article, please take note.

Prior to Gram’s death, I could count the number of deaths that hit me hard but nothing prepared me for hers. You see, that was a busy period for me, I didn’t even have time to breathe if I wasn’t sleeping. Adjusting to a new environment and a new school takes its toll on you.

My relationship with God finally looked clear and I was having an interesting time knowing God better. Clearly, God had other plans for me, plans I definitely couldn’t see.

Ordinarily, Grams was a really healthy oldie, she never fell ill but for about 2 months she was ill and often in the hospital. You know how you always pray and hope that your loved ones get better, well who doesn’t ? I hoped she would get well and I made sure to put it into my prayers cause I made plans to do a lot with her. Does this sound familiar ? it reminds me of a verse in Proverbs:

 'A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.' 
Proverbs 16:9

Grief : Why does it hurt so much?

When Grams died in November 2017, I didn’t know what to do but cry and think of all the things I could have done better. She and I had a special bond -one I cherished a lot- we had an unwritten agreement to speak every Sunday.

If I forgot to call her on Sunday, she’d call on Monday to demand 1 million Naira (Nigerian currency). Although it was all laughs and jokes, I loved it whenever she held me accountable. Does this make you think of a bond you have with someone right now ?

Right now, I haven’t told you anything on how to deal with grief yet but I’ll get to it soon.

When you lose someone, at first it seems surreal, you need someone to wake you up from this bad dream. What are you going to do without them, how do you go on? In the process of finding answers to these questions, it becomes too real.

For me, I cried so much, I thought I would die from crying. The pain I felt was unimaginable. When I did realise she wasn’t going to come back, I decided to write a letter to her. Although it didn’t take away my grief, I felt some pain fall off.

In that period, I learnt that grief affects everyone differently. You see, before Grams died, I had to study a lot and I couldn’t really speak to her on Sundays. Whenever I called, she was either sleeping or I couldn’t get through to her. It was really difficult to speak to her cause she was always tired and I wasn’t in the same country.

Now I wish I knew she wasn’t going to get better, maybe I’d have put in a lot more effort to call her. Grief hurts you differently when you want to fulfil lost promises or just spend more time. If you have loved ones, please spend quality time with them now cause no one lives forever.

Anger with God

Why exactly was I angry ? I didn’t know but I was angry that God took Grams, He could have taken any other person. Of course, I wanted to justify my anger with God was valid but I failed woefully.

Many times, asides being angry with God, you may find yourself angry with the medics who treated your loved one. Well, I also was angry with the nurse who treated Grams.

You may be angry with God because He took the person you cherished a lot (Read In God’s Time here). Definitely the void left can’t be filled but if God took another person much closer to you, that will not be better.

How then can you deal with these ?

Dealing with Grief and Anger with God

The bereaved person

1. Confide in Someone: Maybe this can help you, that you have someone to talk to about how you feel and someone who’s willing to listen. It should be someone who knows you well or you’re comfortable around. Well, I found that this helped me a whole lot. You may give it a try if you feel like it.
2. Let it all out (Cry): I suggest you cry in a comfortable space, where you can evaluate how you feel after. It’s important that you don’t bottle up your emotions as they may come calling some other time.
3. Don’t take drastic decisions: There are so many quotes about not making decisions when you are sad, happy or angry. They apply here too, don’t make any decision while in grief or in anger.
4. Speak to God: You may be wondering why I am telling you to speak to God ? It’s best to speak to God when you’re angry with Him because you can tell Him all about it. Think about it this way: if you are angry with a close friend you meet every other day, you certainly cannot avoid them. It will take a lot of effort to avoid the person completely and you will still carry the anger as a burden. I’m asking that you drop the burden and take the easy way out.
5. Don’t forget their love for you: The most important thing you should remember is they never stopped loving you cause they aren’t here. You’ll always have the memories and what you do with it is all that matters. They had to leave but they left their love inscribed in your heart , Don’t ever forget that.

 'But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.'
 I Thessalonians 4:13-14

How can you help the bereaved person?

1. Help them to be comfortable: If you know anyone who may be in grief , it will be nice if you can be there for them especially if you are close to them. My friend Pelumi stood by me when Grams died and I couldn’t ask for a better friend. Check in on them, make sure they are still existing, it doesn’t take much to do any of these.
2. Show sympathy: Although you have things to do and places to be, you should understand that the person’s life may never be the same. A little show of sympathy never hurt anyone. Please, I implore you to be highly sensitive to the grieving fellow as they are in a touchy situation. Don’t make statements that may seem insensitive to the person. The person may not look like your sympathy was acknowledged but they heard you loud and clear.

Now, I have written all I know and can relate to grief and anger in God, just for you to understand that it may take time but you will live. You’ll miss them a whole lot but you have their memories and that matters a lot.

Everyone will answer to death at some point in time, which is why I ask : What will you be remembered for? What will you remember your loved ones for?

Nowadays, I feel like I’m forgetting Grams face and her voice. I don’t want to ever lose that memory of her. This is why I am documenting it on here, so you see the woman I saw. I miss her everyday and I miss blowing kisses to her.

She would have been 89 on Sunday, March 29 2020. ❤️

Read the previous article: Why you should cherish the time spent with God